Bizarre Vintage “Happy New Year” Postcards

As a collector of vintage St. Patrick’s Day postcards, I’m continually surprised by what passed as festive good wishes ‘back-in-the-day’.  Weird images and scenarios abound in the aged greetings of yore.

With the new year on approach, here are some vintage “HAPPY NEW YEAR” postcard images with questionable (to our modern eye) messages. Seriously, WTF.

The Danish know how to party like it's 1883. "Quick! Grab sausage, booze and pretzels! And skis!" This is all kinds of crazy.

The Danish know how to party like it’s 1883. “Quick! Grab sausage, booze and pretzels! And skis!” This is all kinds of crazy.

Nothing says "Happy New Year" like gettin' boozy with the baby.

Nothing says “Happy New Year” like gettin’ boozy with the baby.

Charging into the new year on the back of a beetle. Because ...bugs?

Charging into the new year on the back of a beetle. Because …bugs?

Who wants to start the new year with a rain of champagne dropped from a zepplin by scary clown-apes. And cheap champagne, cause that bottle's HUGE.

Who wants to start the new year with a rain of champagne dropped from a zepplin by scary clown-apes. NOTE: cheap champagne, cause that bottle’s HUGE.

Raise your glass if you are five.  WTH.  Maybe baby-sitters were a 20th century thing.

Raise your glass if you are five.
WTH.
Maybe baby-sitters were a 20th century thing.

The gal isn't having a happy new year. She's four glasses in a giving a 'piss off' toast to her ex.

The gal isn’t having a happy new year. She’s four glasses in… and giving a ‘piss off’ toast to her ex.

Running off the pigs of the previous year by beating them with shamrocks. Sounds legit.

Running off the pigs of the previous year by beating them with shamrocks. Sounds legit.

Your previous year is at an end. The new year dawns. Prepare to be disciplined.

Your previous year is at an end. The new year dawns. Prepare to be disciplined.

The message: "If you get her drunk enough..." This guy's face just screams roofie.

The real message: “If you get her drunk enough…”
This guy’s face just screams roofie.

Why even send this card? Clearly your thirsty recipient would rather just have a damn bottle. Cheap ass.

Why even send this card? Clearly your thirsty recipient would rather just have a damn bottle. Cheap ass.

Happy New Year, Clumsy McButterfingers!

Happy New Year, Clumsy McButterfingers.

Wishing you a Happy New Year and  Goose that spits money. Into a spitoon.

Wishing you a Happy New Year and Goose that spits money. Into a spitoon.

Let's see...a winged baby, a wicked scythe, an hourglass...and a box. Hmmm.. I'm thinking that time's running out and OMG!!  What's in the BOX? What's in the  BAHHH-XXxxx?

Let’s see…a winged baby, a wicked scythe, an hourglass…and a box.
Hmmm.. I’m thinking that time’s running out and OMG!! What’s in the BOX? What’s in the BAHHH-XXxxx?

Maybe this vintage gem was sent by abstainers to their more festive friends to put them off their New Year's Eve drinking plans. HOwever, according to this image, he should be most afraid of the foot odor demons the next day. The person who sends this is not your friend.

Maybe this vintage gem was sent by abstainers to put friends off their New Year’s Eve drinking plans. However, according to this postcard, the foot odor devil is the real threat. Either way, the person who sends this is not your friend.

This postcard's message seems pretty clear. "Hey 1888. Go die in a fire."

This postcard’s message seems pretty clear.
“Hey 1888. Go die in a fire.”

Maybe this was the way to kick off New Year's Day back then. But I can guarantee you that if the New Year's Day dawned with this triumphant racket today... Child services would likely be part of that family's 2014.

Maybe this was the way to kick off New Year’s Day back then.
But I can guarantee you that if the New Year’s Day dawned with this triumphant racket today… Child services would likely be part of that family’s 2014.

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